Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/317
Bus Driver (much annoyed at zigzag course of coal-cart). "Hi! Wot yer think you're doin'? Dodgin' a submarine?"
THE ROAD TO BERLIN.
I'm looking for the man who designed the "Silver Bullet" puzzle. I have something to say to him that won't keep.
What's so maddening is Peter's attitude towards the wretched thing. He comes in from school, sees it lying about, picks it up any old how, gives it a few really hard shakes, a pat here and a bang there, and the bullet is where good British bullets should be in Berlin.
He doesn't even give his mind to it while he's doing it, but goes on whistling the air which was in progress when he arrived home.
Peter is rising nine, and I'm a few inches over forty-seven, and a special constable with prospects of early promotion, but I haven't succeeded in mastering the puzzle yet.
Yesterday Peter went over the course a dozen times in as many minutes. "You have another try, Daddy," he said.
"Well, only one," I said.
I got as far as Magdeburg for the first time in my life, and determined to have one more. "Absolutely the last," I said.
It was then 8.10, and at 8.46 I think Peter was sorry he had tempted me.
"Look here," I said, "you may stay up till I've done it, for a treat. I shan't be long. I nearly did it that time. I got past Hanover."
"Thanks," said Peter, "but I have to go to school in the morning. As you're busy, I'm going to bed now."
I was busy. I'd reached Hamburg three times, and the lust of conquest was heavy on me. It was at 11.15 that the flower-vase went. Dresden was responsible for that. There is a horrible swan-neck curve as you approach the town from Leipzig, and I tried one of Peter's sideway jerks. Still, if I hadn't been leaning over the table to get the full benefit of the electric light which hangs over it, Alison's favourite bit of glass might have gone on a little longer.
Towards midnight Alison called to know if I was aware of the time.
"Hush!" I said; "I'm just outside Berlin. The Germans might hear you. I've got to Potsdam."
I shouted the last syllable because at that moment the bullet slipped down the hole. By 12.30 I had reached Potsdam four times, and four times the accursed Bosches had mined the road and swallowed the advancing foe.
It was not till 1.17 that by an unparalleled feat of dexterity I got the bullet past Potsdam, and Berlin fell.
Unfortunately the rest of the apparatus fell with it, and the glass broke.
That was the price I had to pay for Peace, but it was worth it.
At G. H. Q.
"My interview took place in large and well-lighted room, the sole furniture of which was a huge table spread with maps and some armchairs."—Daily Telegraph.
It must have been "some" table, too.
In the North Sea Squadron they refer to the Kiel Canal as Fleet Street.
"Those who may wish to supplement Loss of Capital sustained by depreciation in the value of investments which hitherto have been regarded as contributing the main provision for their families should write for particulars of a special scheme for this purpose."Advt. in "Irish Times."
With "racing as usual" a special scheme seems superfluous.