Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/316

C.-Q.-M.-S. Sturgeon.—Sir, on or about the fifth——

President. On—or—about—the—

At this point the President's nib broke, and the youngest subaltern but one was sent out for a stronger one. He rose, put his cap on, walked to the door, turned round, saluted, went out, sent somebody for a nib, came in again, saluted, took his cap off and sat down. Second-Lieutenant Smithson sighed and envied him his busy morning.

President (finishing his writing). Yes. Now I'll just read that to you. "On or about the——"

("That's the fifth time I've heard it," said Smithson to himself, "I hope it will be useful at the Front").

A junior officer, who had described himself as Prisoner's Counsel, but, on the emergence of Captain Hake from the middle of Military Law twenty minutes later, consented to answer to the name of Prisoner's Friend, rose to cross-examine.

Prisoner's Friend. What makes you think that——

The Prosecutor jumped up and said that on page 79 it was distinctly laid down that the Prisoner's Friend was not allowed to cross-examine until after the verdict.

Captain Halibut (turning to page 79). There's nothing about it here.

The President pointed out to Captain Halibut that he was consulting the Manual of Map Reading. Captain Halibut apologised and suggested that a window should be opened.

A heated discussion followed. Prisoner's Friend said that he only wanted to ask the witness if he were quite certain. Witness said at once that he was. Prosecutor said that he wanted to say some time or other, and he didn't much mind when, that shooting your commanding officer in the leg was a very serious thing. President assured him that, as prisoner had already pleaded guilty to this, nothing more could be said on the subject. All Prosecutor could do was to point out the heinousness of losing half a pair of socks. Prosecutor promised to do this.

The day rolled on . . .

At about 3.30 P.M. the Court was cleared. The Prosecutor went out under protest.

"Guilty?" said the President to the two captains.

"Does it matter?" said Captain Halibut. "He's pleaded guilty to much worse things."

The President thought it didn't matter much, but Captain Hake pointed out severely that in that case the whole day of one major, two captains, an adjutant and fifteen subalterns had been wasted—an incredible thing to suggest. "Besides," he added, "it's a question who is going to pay for the new sock."

"True," said the President; "then let's give him the benefit and say, 'Not guilty.'"

Captain Hake fell into the Manual of Military Law and explained how this should he entered . . .

Second-Lieutenant Smithson woke up for the third time.

"And now," said the President at last, "the sentence. He turned to the youngest subaltern. What do you suggest?" he asked.

The youngest subaltern had just got his sword into its scabbard at last. He jumped up, said "Death" huskily, thought of the prisoner's mother and altered it to "Admonished," and sat down.

The President turned to the next subaltern.

"Reduced to Corporal," said the next one briskly.

"He's a private already," said the President, consulting his papers.

The subaltern lost his head. "Promoted to Corporal," he amended lustily, and hid himself behind his cap.

The President decided to consult the two Captains. . . .

And that, you think, is the end. How stupid of you. It turned out that Captain Hake's name was really Captain Hike, a fact which of course washed out the whole proceedings. So another court-martial was held, and Second-Lieutenant Smithson, again up for instruction, heard C.-Q.-M.-S. Sturgeon's evidence five more times. And even that didn't settle it; for at the end of the second court-martial the convening officer made another discovery. Second-Lieutenant Smithson fancies it was that Prisoner's Friend had paraded in court with the upper lip shaved contrary to the King's Regulations, Sect. XII., par. 1696; anyway there was a third court-martial, and for the fifteenth time Second-Lieutenant Smithson heard the words: "One pair of socks value eightpence." Ho knows them by heart now and is introducing them into a little handbook he is preparing. It is called Lightning Training in War Time.

Touching the advance on Constantinople "A. G. G." in The Daily News wrote recently:—

Pardon us, but we think it is unduly fanciful. Agamemnon had enough marital troubles of his own to bear without being saddled with those of brother Menelaus.

"I wonder," writes the sender of the above, "what a learner can learn from a chest of drawers." We have found the answer. He can learn to shut up.

The arithmetic may seem peculiar, but something must be allowed for the labour, and besides, the ¾d. gives such a realistic touch.