Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/315

Pte. 111111 Wilks had had a bad night. The result was that he found himself a few days later charged with:

(1) When on guard being drunk at his post.

(2) Mistaking the C.O. for a rabbit and shooting him in the leg.

(3) Striking several of his superior officers.

(4) Laying-out the Quartermaster.

(5) Losing by neglect one sock value fourpence.

Second-Lieutenant Smithson found himself attending the court-martial "for instruction." He was duly instructed.

*****

The preliminary proceedings were lengthy, but with the help of Captain Hake's Manual of Military Law and Captain Halibut's King's Regulations and Manual of Map Reading the President got through them satisfactorily. After twenty minutes' hard writing he looked up at the junior officers under instruction, and, realizing that they were losing interest, gave them permission to think. Second-Lieutenant Smithson accordingly abandoned himself to thought . . .

The pisoner having been brought in, the Court was then sworn. The President swore Captains Hake and Halibut and Captain Hake swore the President. It was now Captain Halibut's turn, and he swore the junior officers. There were about fifteen of them, and he decided to swear them all together on the same book. In the mélée which ensued several thumbs were unplaced and most of the others were left unkissed.

The prisoner pleaded "Guilty" to the first four charges and "Not Guilty" to the fifth. The Court was completely upset by this, and Captain Hake had to lose himself in the 908 pages of Military Law for some hours before it regained its calm. The President then announced that he would take Charge 5 first. A very young subaltern, who was still suffering from the shock of having his thumb kissed simultaneously by two perfect strangers, dropped his sword with a clatter into the fender and spent the rest of the day trying to get it back into its scabbard. It seemed to have got bigger somehow. . .

The evidence was then read. It was to the effect that Company Quartermaster-Sergeant Sturgeon deposed that on-or-about-the-5th-ult.-he-had-served-out-one-pair-of-socks-value-eightpence to-the-accused-and-that-on-or-about-the-22nd-inst.-the-accused-was-found-in-possession-of-only-half-a-pair-of-socks-cross-examined-by-accused-did-I-only-have-half-a-pair-of-socks-Company-Quartermaster-Sergeant-you-did.

The Prosecutor rose. He said that the accused, on or about the something ult., had had one pair of socks served out to him, value eightpence, and that on or about a later date (inst.) he was only in possession of half-a-pair of socks. Consequently he was charged with losing by neglect one sock, value (approximately) fourpence.

Company Quartermaster-Sergeant Sturgeon was then called.

President. Now then, just tell us what happened.

C.-Q.-M.-S. Sturgeon.—Sir, on or about the fifth of February, nineteen hundred and fifteen, I served out to the accused, one pair of socks, value eightpence. On or about the twenty-second of March, nineteen hundred and fifteen——

This was the third time Second-Lieutenant Smithson had had it in full, and he yawned slightly.

President. Yes. Now I must write that down. Begin again, and say it slowly.