Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/299
Outraged Artist (about to paint important military subject). "You pig! You've eaten the khaki!"
[It is reported that a small German outpost, occupying an isolated house amidst the floods of Flanders, is always warned of night attacks by the quacking of ducks. The following lines are alleged to have been written, for British consumption, by a German prisoner.]
Ve haf von blackdark midnacht heard;
Denn kam a kry der Kaptan vrom,
"Der voemen kom, der voemen kom!"
Und so vo haf der arms uptake,
Und soon der Britisch backgive make.
O Gott mit uns! der gwack-gwack-gwack
Haf send der voemen homeways back.
No voodvlesh kom vrom dryground land,
Und ve vos fast be bone und skin,
Vile duckfowl schwamm der yardcourt in,
Vor if've neckscrew efry von,
Denn kom der vce at down off sonne,
Und, mit no gwackalarm, ve fall!
Ach! still've long to chew dem all!
Ve schleep und tream off dat pig treat!
Ya, dat vos gut, kolossal gut!
Vot meatfull chest, vot schwect wingfoot!
Ve schleep und tream! Der duckbird fat
Vos dasty meat―Ach! vot vos dat?
Der voe! No mehr der duckfowls gwack,
But British rifles go krack-krack!
MILITARY QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
[The Advice Column on Military Matters, now a special feature of many contemporaries, must not be supposed to belong only to the present day. That similar columns were in vogue in other times is proved by the following extracts from antique records.]
J.Cæsar (Rome).―By all means write an account of your experiences at the Front, but take care to find a striking title. The one you suggest, "The Gallic War," is very flat. Why not: "In the Neck, or How we gave it to the Gauls?"
Attila (Hungary).―Quite so, but are not your methods a little boisterous? What will the Germans think of you?
Joan (Arc).―Certainly not. If, however, you feel that you must be doing something military, is there no local body of girl guides which you could join?
Francis D. (Plymouth Hoe).―It is all very well for you to play games in war-time―quite picturesque and so forth, but does it not occur to you that in future days, when perhaps conditions will be more stringent, your example may be quoted by persons not wholly inspired by disinterested motives, who have reasons (financial and otherwise) undreamed of by you for continuing sports?
Horatio N.―See an oculist. We must tell you frankly, however, that the loss of the eye finally closes your naval career. You should think of taking up some civilian employment.
Wellesley (Eton).―We should be in a better position for offering you advice as to your chance of success in a military career if we knew more of your achievements on your school playing-fields.
Napoleon B. (Corsica).―Your height would tell against your chances, and we should that for other reasons as well you are hardly cut out for a soldier. Have your thought of the counter? If there is not much opening in your neighbourhood, you might think about coming to England, where, as you doubless know, there are plenty of shopkeepers.
"Girl wanted to take care of quiet baby, who is fond of singing ragtime―Chinatown, etc."―Montreal Star.
A precocious infant, but surely a little old-fashioned.