Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/298

The whole idea of posting sentries was ridiculous. Just because we had borrowed part of a man's country house and called it a week-end camp there was no real reason for turning three men out in the cold night and calling them sentries.

The first I heard of the business was a casual remark from our section-commander that I "was on two to four." I took this to be some silly attempt at a racing joke, so I said, "What price the field? " just to show that I know the language; and I thought no more about it until I ran across Bailey. The same cryptic remark had been conveyed into Bailey's car, but he had discovered the solution, though I don't believe he guessed it all by himself. The fact was that wo had been picked with Holroyd to do sentry-go between 2 A.M. and 4 A.M. Personally I felt that the responsibility was too great, so I went in search of the section-commander. I told him what my doctor had said about the risk of exposing myself to the night air and pointed out the absurdity of posting sentries against a non-existent enemy, He wouldn't discuss the matter at length, and I suspect that he had heard some of the arguments before, though not so ably put.

Of course I didn't get any sleep before 2 A.M. This was partly due to the want of "give" in the floor, partly to the undue preference shown by Bailey's foot for my left ear, and partly to the necessity of stopping the tendency of certain members of the company to snore. Some injustice was done in the last process, as it was difficult to locate the offenders.

As I thought it might be wet I borrowed Higgs's overcoat and rifle. I hate getting my own overcoat soaked through, and I never was any good at cleaning rusty rifles.

It was a thoroughly dirty night, and I took up my position under a tree, leaving the others the easier task of guarding open ground. Owing to the discomfort of sitting in a puddle I never got properly asleep, and this accounts for the fact that my attention was attracted by a slight noise in my vicinity. I diagnosed a cat, dog or snake, all of which animals can be found in that neighbourhood. As I dislike things crawling about me at night-time I picked up a serviceable-looking brick and hurled it in the direction indicated. Naturally I didn't expect to draw a prize first shot, and was surprised and much gratified to hear a groan and the sound as of a body falling. I had evidently brought down a German spy and eagerly rushed forward to retrieve my game. It was a man right enough, and I found him quite easily. I found him with my feet and lost my initial advantage. However, my luck was in, and in the ensuing rough and tumble I came out on top. When Bailey and Holroyd arrived in response to my shouts I was well astride his shoulders and had his face concealed in the mud.

They both seemed a little jealous at my success and, when they heard the details, began to suggest that I had acted irregularly. Bailey, who is a special constable in his spare time, said I ought to have warned the man that "anything he said would be used in evidence against him." Holroyd said that I ought to have waited until he shot me before taking action, and then gone through some formula about "Halt, friend, and give the countersign." As they seemed to think they could still put the matter in order I appointed them my agents and gave them an opportunity to say their pieces.

Bailey retired two paces and solemnly delivered his warning. He got it off quite well, and I admit that it sounded impressive. Holroyd wasn't quite sure of his part, and Bailey tried to look it up in his "Manual" while Holroyd struck matches. Holroyd burnt his fingers three times while Bailey was trying to find the place, so he had to say it from memory after all. Holroyd presented arms and said, "Halt. Who goes there? Advance, friend, two paces, and give the countersign. Welcome." We thought he had gone wrong on the word "Welcome," but it sounded a courteous and harmless thing to say under the circumstances, so we let it pass.

The man, whose face was still firmly embedded in the mud, didn't do any of the things Holroyd told him. I put a little extra pressure on the back of his head to make sure ho didn't say "Friend," and he had no real chance with the countersign as we hadn't fixed on one.

Everything being now in order we sent Holroyd to fetch the picket. Holroyd had some trouble over the picket, as they had forgotten to elect one and no one volunteered. Ho got very unpopular through having to wake up so many people to arrange about it.

In the meantime I caught cramp from sitting so long in the same position and allowed Bailey to relieve me. When the picket arrived they didn't get much fun out of the captive, because Bailey had spoilt him for the purposes of resistance by getting more of his weight than was necessary on the man's head. The picket had to carry him up to the house and pour quite a lot of brandy into him before he showed any signs of life. They got him breathing at last and told off a fatigue party to clear some of his mud. They hadn't properly got down to his skin when his power of speech revived. There seemed something familiar in his voice in spite of the fact that it was muffled by about a quarter-of-an-inch of mud, and it occurred to me that I had better resume my sentry duty without delay. I didn't all anyone's attention to my departure because I wasn't sure that I ought to have left my post. I took Bailey's military book and someone else's electric torch.

My remaining hour passed quite quickly and I was almost sorry to be relieved. When I got in I heard that our Commandant was up and wanted see me. I found him in a dressing-gown sitting in an armchair. He wasn't looking very fit and had a nasty gash over the right eye. As he's in the regular army and only lent to us I waited for him to start the conversation. He seemed to find some difficulty in getting off the mark, but on the whole performed very creditably for an invalid. I didn't attempt to answer half the questions he asked. He didn't seem to expect it―they don't in the army. I just said, "I was on sentry-go, Sir, at 2.35 A.M. when I heard a suspicious person. Being on active service at night I dispensed with the challenge and should have fired if any cartridges had been served out. Under the circumstances I did the best I could with the material to hand. I was fortunate in capturing the intruder and handed him over to the picket. I've not yet heard whether he has been identified. "

He wasn't quite himself, and I fancy my answer surprised him. He seemed to have a piece of mud in his throat, and before he could get it clear I had saluted and got away. Bailey's military book is quite a useful little thing.

I was astir early in the morning and took a walk in the direction of the post-office. Before eleven o'clock I had received a telegram calling me to town on urgent family affairs. I had got an idea that that part of the country would have proved unhealthy for me. My personal view of the whole matter is that our Commandant might have known that we should be awake at our posts without getting up in the middle of the night to find out.

We learn from America that General von Bernhardi has joined the staff of the Press Bureau and by Imperial permission has given his exclusive services to a well-known New York paper. The Kaiser is now assured of a place in the Sun.