Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/297
Veteran (receiving instruction in the art of aiming). "I was always told as a boy, you know, never to point a gun at anyone."
THE AWAKENING.
Until last Tuesday I am certain Aunt Priscilla did not realise the War. Realise it as an actual awful thing, I mean.
But war and all that it means has at last been brought right home to her, and this is how it came about.
The pale cheeks of Jenson the parlour-maid began it; the recommendation of Winoria, the restorative wine, as a remedy directly contributed towards it, and the conscientious zeal of Snooks the grocer completed the great awakening. It was in this wise.
Jenson, as I say, was pale and out of sorts, a condition unlikely to escape my Aunt's all-seeing eye, and someone had suggested Winoria. Why not? Aunt Priscilla decided at once for this invigorating wine-tonic. The very thing.
Abroad early, Aunt herself swept into the establishment of Mr. Snooks and ordered a bottle of Winoria, with a request that it should be sent to Everest Place without delay.
"I regret, Madam, that we have no cart or cycle available at the moment; this afternoon..."
"Impossible. I must have it before lunch. Give it to me and I will myself convey it home."
The suave manner of the shopman instantly changed to a wary caution. With an uneasy glance at the clock he said firmly: "I regret, Madam, that we cannot serve women with intoxicants before eleven!"
Aunt Priscilla! But of course you don't know my Aunt Priscilla.
A TEMPORARY SUSPENSION.
I sang my tuneful numbers
On catching Nature in the act
Of waking from her slumbers;
In March I found the hour was ripe
To twang the lyre or blow the pipe.
The snowdrop had its sonnet,
The daffy did not bloom for long
Ere I remarked upon it;
And business was extremely brisk
In lines on how the lambkins frisk.
I cannot heed the lambkin;
For bloom and bud I do not care
A little dash (or damkin);
My musings always turn away
To men who're arming for the fray.
Though silent be her servant,
For bud and bloom shall come again
And find him fit and fervent;
Full many a song in coming years
Shall sweetly wipe out all arrears.
Extract from a Soldier's letter:―
"Dear Sister,―I send you these few lines hoping they find you as this leaves me at present. I have a bullet wound in the hand."
Warning to Mariners.
"A titre de première réponse à l'Allemagne, l'amirauté anglaise a pris une mesure de restriction concernant la navigation aux deux entrées de la mer d'Irlande. Les navires désirant traverser le canal du Nord devront passer au Sud-Ouest et à quatre mille au plus de l'Ile de Rathlin, entre Sunrise et Sunset."
XXe. Siècle, Havre.
Unfortunately these famous headlands are rarely visible in our foggy atmosphere.
For a "Château en Espagne."
Extract from a land company's circular―
"The 'Sunnyside Estate' is beautifully situated, high up in the air, fronting good roads, along which water-mains run and is bounded by a very pretty avenue of trees."
Just the place for a retired aviator.
From the tape:—
"Enver Pasha has sent in the name of the Sultan the Grand Military Meal for Merit to Admiral von Tirpitz and Gen. Falkenhayn."
This was tactful of Enver. The gift will in present circumstances be much more appreciated than a tawdry decoration.
From an article on "Jobbing Gardeners":―
"One has to know their man before we can trust him to work in our gardens."
Amateur Gardening.
Quite so; and they will have to learn our grammar before one can be let loose among his flowers of speech.