Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/292

There is little doubt that our Recruiting Band has done yeoman service at our Thursday evening Recruiting Campaigns, and it would do even better if it only possessed a bass tuba. We have lots of bandsmen who play top and middle music, hut only one (a euphonium) who plays ground-floor music. This is scarcely surprising when you come to think that low notes are much more expensive to produce than high ones. You can buy a very good cornet for two pounds, but in order to produce exactly the same notes as the cornet a few feet lower you have to invest in a bass tuba that may cost you six times as much.

All this was admirably explained by Mr. Fogge (the bandmaster), who one evening, when the Overture to William Tell had been rendered without any bass at all (owing to the indisposition of the euphonium), mounted the plinth of the drinking-fountain round which our campaign rages, and asked "our public-spirited fellow-townsmen" for more practical support for the band. In a powerful of peroration he pointed out the increasing need for a bass tuba, and pleaded with a possible philanthropist in the crowd to earn his country's undying gratitude by supplying the deficiency.

Unfortunately, in the report of the proceedings which appeared in The Poppleton Argus, "tuba" was spelt "tuber," with the result that the Vicar, who goes in for market-gardening on an extended scale, sent to the band's headquarters the largest potato he could find.

This was literally the only fruit of Mr. Fogge's stirring appeal, and finally it devolved on me (I am only the hon. treasurer of the band, not an executant) to devise some other means of obtaining the money. To accept the offer of our senior curate to lecture on John Bunyan would, I felt sure, merely defeat my object. Happily I saw in The Times what I considered to be a highly novel and ingenious method of making an appeal for charity. I therefore despatched to the office of The Argus the following paragraph: "Will every 'Huggins' in Poppleton join together to provide an urgently required instrument for our Recruiting Band? Write, etc., etc."

This, I thought, would be sure to attract the necessary money, as Huggins is the name in Poppleton, just as Rees or Jenkins is in Swansea. Judge, then, of my annoyance when, on opening the paper, I found that the wretched printer had made any advertisement read, "Will every Juggins, etc., etc." I need scarcely say that the result was nil; though one dear old lady (who apologised for her name being Brigginshaw and not Juggins), having misinterpreted my appeal, forwarded me a Surgical Aid letter. My failure was all the more galling since there was a similar notice in the paper asking all the "Jemimas" of the neighbourhood to subscribe towards the purchase of cigars for all our Tommies who didn't like cigarettes. The notion was obviously not so novel as I had imagined it. Anyhow, I subsequently learned that the "Jemima" money subscribed would have been sufficient to buy a bass tuba, a tenor trombone and the best part of a French horn. I wanted to try again by addressing my appeal to all the "Williams" and "Johns," but Mr. Fogge said, No; all the Williams and Johns had already been bled for Christmas crackers for the Canadians. He said we didn't want a bass tuba as badly as all that.

Then one day a bright idea struck me. I devised another appeal, and took it down by hand myself to the office of The Argus. To ensure its being correctly printed I offered them double rates to be allowed to see a proof of it. They told me such a course was not usual. I told them that their mistakes were also somewhat out of the ordinary, and I eventually got my way. The appeal was worded:―"Will all our townsfolk who are relatives (however distant) of, or connected by marriage (however remotely) with, persons of rank or title, contribute to a fund now being raised to provide our Recruiting Band with a much needed bass tuba? A list of all subscribers, together with the names of their relatives or connections, will be duly published in these columns. Write, etc., etc."

The success of my appeal was instantaneous. We could have bought a large proportion of the London Symphony Orchestra with the proceeds. Not only did we purchase the biggest, bassest, most sonorous tuba that money could command, but we had sufficient funds in hand to engage the services of a tubaist to play it―a desideratum that had previously been overlooked. We are now doing great business with our band, and I do not hesitate to say that if Lord Kitchener succeeds in getting all the recruits he wants it will largely due to the generosity of 89 of his second cousins thrice removed, 57 connexions-by-marriage of Sir John French, and 142 step-nephews-in-law of His local Grace the Duke of Podmore and Lumpton.

"Cross-examined, he said he had been caned before for reading thrashy literature."

"The Earl of Crewe wrote:-'Is this' (racing)' or is it not conducive to the prosecution of the war to a successful end? If it is, it is desirable; if it is not, it is undesirable. If it is neither, from the public standpoint it is immaterial.'"―Daily Telegraph.

Either Lord Crewe wrote this or he did not. If he did, he should read our book on the Included Middle; if he did not write it, he should demand an apology. If he neither did nor didn't―well, it is immaterial.