Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/288

The question was, how to break it to her father.

"Dad is always very difficult about it," said Angela pensively. An unworthy suspicion flitted through my mind, but fortunately her next words dispelled it.

"I was thinking," she went on, "of what happened when Marjorie got engaged last July, and Alice in April, and Muriel the Christmas before. They were three awfully nice men and we were frightfully keen on them. I remember how we watched them each time from behind the curtains of the old nursery window as they walked up the drive, and how extremely correct and nervous they looked. The same things happened on all three occasions. First they rang the bell, very gently. Then Parsons let them in, and we heard them from the first landing ask if the Admiral was at home. Then they had to wait for about ten minutes in the hall while Dad got ready for them in the library."

"Ah!" I murmured with a shiver.

"It must have been rather trying work waiting; at any rate, they seemed to fidget and wander round a good deal. Then Dad saw them in the library. This always took about twenty minutes. And then they came out again, and Parsons opened the door for them, and they went away looking———" She paused and sighed.

"Yes," I said anxiously, "looking—?"

"Absolutely crumpled," she replied. "But each time of course Dad relented afterwards. You see, they were all three Service men and quite eligible."

"And I am only a special constable," I said bitterly.

"Poor old boy! It isn't your fault," said Angela; "we all know you tried to get into the army, but couldn't pass the sight test."

"On the other hand," I continued a little more bopefully, "I suppose I'm all right from the money point of view and all that sort of thing. In fact, I may say, Angela, without boasting that I can afford to regard even the present price of coal with equanimity."

"That will certainly be a distinct point in your favour," said Angela.

At half-past six on the following evening I called to see the Admiral. Parsons relieved me of my hat and coat with the grave sympathy of a priest preparing a victim for the altar.

"The Admiral will see you directly, Sir," he said kindly, "if you will wait a few minutes. He is engaged at present."

"It's raining hard outside, Parsons," I said, as I wiped my boots.

"Yes, Sir, but it will be over presently, like all our troubles, Sir."

As he was going out an idea seemed to strike him. "You will pardon my suggesting it, Sir," he said in a low voice, "but sometimes a small glass of liqueur brandy is helpful; it has a very buoyant effect, Sir."

"No, thank you, Parsons," I answered, "I will wait till after dinner."

It was a quarter-of-an-hour before the Admiral was ready for me. As I entered the library and encountered his gaze I almost regretted for one brief moment that I had not accepted Parsons' offer of a stiffener. Though small in stature the Admiral has an eye of the destroyer pattern. When he steers it suddenly in your direction you realise at once that Britain rules the waves; you also experience an unpleasant sinking sensation. I decided to engage without delay. "Good evening, Admiral," I said; "I have called———"

"Sit down, Sir, pray sit down," he interrupted. I sat down.

"Now what can I do for you?" he demanded grimly.

I headed straight for his bows. "I have called," I repeated, "as an official of the local special constabulary to ask why you persistently disregard one of the most important police regulations recently issued to all inhabitants of this district."

"What the devil do you mean?" he snapped.

"Evening after evening," I said, "your windows are a blaze of light. Yet you have been ordered to darken every aperture. Why haven't you had them fitted with green blinds?"

"Because I don't choose to," he growled.

"I'm surprised at you; a man of your profession should understand the meaning of discipline. But that is not all. The night before last I detailed two of your keepers for duty as special constables from 1 to 5 A.M. They failed to put in an appearance, and pleaded in excuse that you wouldn't let them off their turn in the covers. Is that correct?"

This shot evidently got him in his boilers. "How am I to deal with poachers if I can't employ my keepers?" he asked.

"That," I said, "is your concern, not ours. It seems to me, Admiral, that you have got yourself into an extremely awkward corner. Of course, though, they may let you off with a fine."

"You don't mean to say," he exclaimed, "that your people are going to take proceedings against me? Why, man, I was on the Bench myself till last year!"

"We shall have to consider the matter," I replied. "The next point I have to bring to your notice is the conduct of your youngest daughter. I have met her several times lately———"

"So I believe," he said drily.

"———riding her bicycle on the footpath after lighting-up time without a lamp; a double misdemeanour, you understand. So far she has on each occasion been merely cautioned not to do it again, but it is my duty to warn you that there are limits to the patience even of a special constable."

"Is that all?" he asked. He was now listing heavily to port.

"By no means, but I will only mention one thing more this evening. I hear on trustworthy authority that you have been aiding and abetting your chauffeur, John Martin, in evading the law which requires him to have his child vaccinated before the age of six months, or lodge a conscientious objection to the operation. So far he has done neither, and he has only two days to run. John Martin is reported to have said that you said it would be all right, and you would see him through. It will probably cost you a considerable sum to do so."

"I didn't know your jurisdiction extended to vaccination," said the Admiral in a dull voice.

Nor did I, but I wasn't going to admit it. "Our powers are practically unlimited," I said.

He pondered for a minute or so, and I noted with satisfaction that he was sinking visibly by the head. "What the deuce am I to do about it all?" he asked at length.

"The best thing you can do, Admiral," I said, "is to allow your prospective son-in-law to tow you into port. I daresay I can put it all straight for you."

"How did you manage it?" asked Angela at about 10.30.

But I refused to give the Admiral away.

"Typist and Shorthorn Clerk wanted."

Newbury Weekly News.

If the advertiser succeeds in securing this horny-headed son of toil it will be a notable triumph of "breeding to type."