Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/286

Head of "Punish England" Bureau invents new "stunt." Edible fish to be branded and returned to ocean to influence world opinion against England.

"How old be you, Luther Cherriman—if I may ask it of you?"

"Welcome, I'm sure, to any knowledge as you can learn off of me. I be seventy-one last Eastertide—as 'll soon be 'ere agen."

"And I be sixty-nine. You carries your years uncommon well, Luther Cherriman—specially about your 'ead of 'air."

"That be 'long o' the way my darter do tip paraffin-can over it Saturday nights. Won'erful good thing for the 'air be paraffin. Ev'ry Saturday night my darter do brush my 'air, me sittin' in my arm-chair comfortable as you please. An' then over goes the paraffin-can."

"Your 'air bo near as black as a crow's wing. If they judged a man by 'is 'air alone you'd be 'most too young for this 'ere Vet'rans' Brigade, Luther."

"Couldn't say that same for you, George. You 'asn't a 'air to spare like, an' them as yon 'as is grey."

"Still, for a Vet'rans' Brigade, 'oo shall say as grey 'air mayn't be most the thing?"

"You ain't truly thinkin' o' joinin', George?"

"I 'as been thinkin' as you an' me did ought to set the example, p'raps. What d' you say, Luther?"

"Badges on the arm, an' the chance o' rubbin' shoulders 'long o' Squire—them be the sets-off like to a lot o' standin' about an' a lot o' up-an'-down work, an' a lot o'jaw—so I understands 'em to say."

"The jaw's what's goin' to make 'em into proper soldier-men. Us, as 'ave 'ad to work for forty year o an' more for Squire, 'as no cause to be's shy of a taste o' jaw."

"Andsome young sprig was Squire when 'e first stepped into the old man's shoes—so 'e was."

"'Igh an' mighty, too—stand-offish as you please."

"An' a wonner to jaw. But just an' upright in 'is comin's in an' 'is goin's out, as the Psalmses says."

"'Ardly a look to throw at a woman, let alone a man. Never seemed to know you from Adam unless you'd done some'at as 'e didn't like, an' then 'e'd know you 'nough to fasten upon you with 'is vials o' wrath—an' don't you make no mistake. Lay 'is tongue to some language 'as wouldn't be out-spoke in no tap-room—nor it wouldn't."

"Gentleman with it, though, as you say might say."

"That's right. Gentleman o' the old school, my darter do say. But things is gettin' mixed up now, most uncommon. An' 'ere be Squire 'isself, so I 'ears, goin' about village an' pretty well beggin' folk to join this an' that. Fair supprisin' it be."

"It's that old Keyser's doin', first an' last. 'Tis this 'ere War fair muddlin' up ev'rything an' changin' things so as a man can barely call 'is soul is own. Pretty soon there won't be no upper classes, an' no lower classes neither."

"Rare dull old spot world'll be then."

"Not whiles there be men an' women in it—an' we be fast gettin' back into just men an' women. Years an' years we've been sortin' of ourselves out an, like, an' now we be slippin' back to to what things used to be in them old Scripture times. One man's as good en as t'other, as you might say."

"That be so. War be a terrible destroyin' thing..."

"Bless my soul, George, there be Squire."

"Lord, Luther—what be 'e goin' to Say?"

"I ain't joinin' nothin' to please nobody."

"Darned if I be goin' to join neither. Free badges nor nothin' won't tempt me."

"Evening, George—evening, Cherrimen; men I wanted—both of you. Now what about this Veterans' Brigade? Think yourselves a bit stiff, I dare say. But look at me! If I can join, you can easily. If we can't keep it up we must drop out presently—when they 've got their numbers up. What?"

"I be sixty-nine, Sir, an' Cherriman 'ere seventy-one."

"Bit on the old side, all of us. Can't be helped. Dare say we shall look three old fools, but if we can't even make fools of ourselves at a time like this when can we? I'll pick up the pair of you at this corner on Thursday evening—7.45 sharp. What?"

"Us should like to say, Sir..."

"You'll not desert me, I know. Man and boy we've worked together in our different ways—I'm depending on your support. Good night."

*****

"So us 'as got to rub shoulders 'long o' Squire whether us likes it or not. War be a won'erful thing! Us an' Squire drillin' 'longside one another an' wearin' o' the same badges."

"Won'erful 'nough to change Squire's way o' doin' things, too, war be. Times 'e would 'ave said, 'You join—or take the sack—one or t'other!'"

"Us must take care o' Squire. We be used to 'e, an' 'e be worth preservin' seemin'ly."

"Chicken.—Laying Crosses, day to week old, 5s. 6d.; fortnight, 6s. 6d. dozen."

Bristol Evening Times and Echo.

The following is inscribed on the ticket of admission to a recent entertainment at Carlisle:—

"War Lecture and Lantern Slides, by Mr. H. K. Campbell, on Thursday, March 11th, at 2.30 p.m., at the Queen's Hall, West Walls, Price 2d. Only Babies in Arms admitted."