Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/278

I have developed quite a martial bearing lately, and this has led to a rumour that I am seeking promotion. This rumour appears to have reached our Company Commander. He found me in the canteen the other night and asked me if I could instruct a squad in the use of the rifle. I said, "Yes, Sir." One always says "Yes, Sir" in the army to an officer when he asks if you can do anything. He may take your word for it, in which case you get credit easily. He may pursue the matter further, and then you have to explain that you thought that he meant something else or trust to his putting down your answer to an excess of optimism. There is no punishment in the King's Regulations for optimism. My Company Commander pursued the matter further. He improvised a squad consisting of two Platoon Commanders, one Sergeant-major, two Section Commanders, one Private and himself. On his instructions the Sergeant-major dumped a rifle in my hands. I was told that my squad consisted of recruits and knew nothing and that I was to instruct them in the use of the rifle.

I admit that I was nervous. I didn't mind the squad so much, though the Sergeant-major fell in with an annoying grin on his face. It was the rifle that put me off; I have felt the same sensation when a female relative has unexpectedly handed a baby to me, and I believe that I nursed that rifle in somewhat the same way. It seemed to have a peevish look as though it knew that I was going to say slanderous things about it. However, I pulled myself together and assumed as nearly as possible the Sergeant-major's air and began.

"Gentlemen—I should say—Squad. Strictly speaking, I shouldn't have addressed you as 'Gentlemen,' you being recruits, though personally I see no reason why the courtesies of life should be disregarded even in the army, but I know certain people hold a different opinion."

I glanced at the Sergeant-major to see if he had grasped my point, but he hadn't properly finished his original grin, so I said, "No laughing in the ranks," and that brought his face into the normal with a jerk. This restored my confidence, and I felt that I should get through all right if I didn't have to particularise too minutely about the weapon, and I went on, "Now I'm going to instruct you in the use of the rifle. You're only recruits, so you don't know anything about it; I'm instructing you, and you've got to believe what I tell you. I don't want you to forget that. These are little things, but if you remember them you won't forget them.

"Now this is a rifle. As you're recruits, you haven't seen one before and it may be a long time before you see one again. Look at it well so that if you should happen to meet one you will recognise it. The rifle is primarily used for drilling purposes. It can be carried in various positions which I won't trouble you about now. Its primary object is to accustom the soldier to carrying heavy weights and to restrain the exuberance of his spirits. You want to be careful how you carry it or you'll become a nuisance to your neighbours and an expense to your country. Its secondary object is to shoot at an enemy, if you happen to meet one and somebody has remembered to issue the cartridges. You will notice that the rifle has two ends. This is the butt end and this is—the other end. You want to remember this, as if you mistake the ends you may do unintentional damage. It is mostly held by the butt end, except when clubbing an enemy or other undesirable person. "Clubbing" is not recommended. If you hit the enemy you may strain the rifle; if you miss him you'll probably strain your arms.

"To load the rifle you pull this thing down"—I pulled at what I subsequently discovered to be the trigger guard, but nothing happened. I then tried another likely-looking piece of metal and to my gratification this gave way and disclosed a hole. I at once showed this hole to my squad and continued—

"You will observe that this part of the rifle, which is known as the barrel, has a hole at each end. You put your cartridge in this end, and, if your rifle is well constructed, the bullet comes out the other end. Of course the rifle won't as a general rule fire itself; you have to help it. You do this by pulling the trigger. This protuberance here is technically called the trigger. It's important that you should know this because, if you don't know the trigger, you can't be expected to pull it and your rifle as often as not won't go off. You'll look silly if your comrades are shooting Germans like rabbits and you don't get one through not finding the trigger.

"The rifle may be fired standing, sitting, kneeling or lying down, but in no other positions. You should remember this so as not to make stupid mistakes. And you want to be careful which way your rifle is pointing when it goes off. It's best to point it in the direction of the enemy, otherwise the bullet may fly off harmlessly or only strike one of your own men. This is waste of Government ammunition and may tend to make you unpopular among your fellows. During training inanimate targets will be supplied for shooting practice. Interned and imprisoned Germans are required by the Government to occupy first-class liners and expensive mansions and won't be let out for other purposes. Targets are not so interesting to shoot at as live enemies, but they have the merit of not being able to shoot back. To each target there is a marker. If the marker dislikes you he will signal "miss" every time you fire, and you'll be sent back for further instruction in aiming. You ought to be careful to hit the right target. If you get a bull on the wrong target it may be scored up to the man next to you and he will thus obtain an unfair advantage.

"Well, then, that's the rifle and how to use it. I haven't given it to you exactly in the words of the book, because it isn't expressed very clearly there and, being recruits, you mightn't understand it all. You can read what it says in the book at any time and you don't need me to repeat it to you. Now, don't say you haven't been told about the rifle if anyone asks you. Of course you haven't learnt everything about every rifle—nobody has. Rifles are like women and each one has its own little idiosyncrasies. The best rifles have a kind of hold-all in the butt where you carry your cigarettes and matches on active service and, if there's any room left, a cleaning outfit. This rifle is one of the simpler kind and doesn't seem to have such a thing about it. If it has, I haven't touched the right spring to open it, but then I'm not accustomed to handling second-rate goods.

"Now you'd better each go through what I've told you and I'll correct you when you're wrong."

*****

The rumour of my promotion is still unconfirmed, but I gather this is due to red tape or jealousy.

"... though his smile was fascinating as ever, his bow as magnificently gracious, black care, stowed under his broad shirt-front, gnawed ferociously, like the Spartan boy at his fox."—Red Magazine.

When Atra Cura deserted her usual position on the back of her victim it was quite justifiable for the Spartan boy to do a little inversion on his own account.

"Both submarine and steamer were within a short distance of each other."

Daily Telegraph.