Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/267

"Sing it aht, Sonny―Let's 'ear wot it sahns like."

Alan! Alan! is the name of a novel recently announced. If this is to set a new fashion in titles the question must arise, how should one ask for the latest story at the bookshop or the library?

"What may I get you, Sir?" the female assistant will say. "Vivien! Vivien!" the curate will murmur in reply. And then the young lady, with blushes, will explain, "My name is Susie, Sir."

Should the title be spoken in the level tones used for A Faded Flower, for instance? Or should the exclamation marks be noted and given their proper emphasis?

Would it be correct to enter the shop and shout, "Clarence! Clarence!" as if the end of all things had come? or would it be better to adopt a more peremptory tone, as of a strong father calling upstairs to his son, to whom he is about to administer that which, believe him, hurts the father's heart far more than it hurts the errant boy? Or should the cry be uttered as a last appeal? or on a note of hopeless resignation? or imperatively like the calling of a dog to heel? The problem bristles with difficulties.

And even when you have decided how this double vocative should be conveyed you will find that what is a simple thing to the elocutionist may be a grave trouble to the amateur.

An announcement of considerable interest is made by the Kreuz-Zeitung to the effect that associations have been formed in Hanover and Hamburg and will shortly be formed in one hundred and fifty places to collect money which will be expended in gifts for German soldiers "as soon as it is officially announced that either German troops have occupied English soil or have achieved the overthrow of England."

We do not know if Lord Kitchener and Sir John French have fully considered the advisability of introducing some such system into our own conduct of the campaign. Perhaps the mercenary English might he induced by the offer of a tip of some sort———? But that is only a suggestion. Our present concern is with an alien publication which has fallen into our hands and which contains some interesting answers to correspondents upon the question. The following is a translation:―

J. B. (Erfurt).―No, you must have been misinformed by your local press. The overthrow of England has not been already achieved, technically―although it is well known that that perfidious Empire is tottering. The intrepid aviator to whom you refer cannot be said to have technically occupied English soil, as he was picked up in the Thames. No, we cannot accept bread-cards in lieu of cash.

Max Schneider (Ansbach).―Many thanks for your letter. We have some sympathy with your attitude when you say that "to have the thing merely officially announced is not good enough for you." No payment will be made, however, till it has been confirmed in the Paris communiqué. Meanwhile do not hesitate to contribute.

Cautious (Kiel).―We are bound to protest against the pessimistic and unpatriotic tone of your letter. We do not understand how you can possibly hold such views, living as you do in a neighbourhood where you have daily opportunity of contemplating the accumulated naval strength of Germany. No, money will not be returned under any circumstances.

A.K.(Frankfort).―Certainly not. No one has ever suggested that the gifts should take the form of iron crosses. Our never-to-be-even-for-a-moment-daunted troops are not to be fobbed off in this manner.

Financier (Berlin).―We think your suggestion an excellent one. As you say, if the money were to be invested at compound interest it might well amount to a considerable sum before it becomes payable. It is understood however that it will all be compulsorily taken over for investment in the next War Loan.

"Young gentleman wants Job; something exciting: been abroad good deal."

Liverpool Echo.

Why not go abroad again and try Flanders, in khaki?