Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/163

Small boy. "What's on the poster, mother?"

Mother. "Only 'more gains and losses,' but whether on our side on the other it doesn't say."

"Aren't music publishers maddening?" said Clarice. "Hero's a tune that promises awfully well, and breaks off suddenly."

I went over to the piano.

On the music-rest was a sheet of music, back to front, showing the opening bars of several songs the publishers wished to commend to our notice; appetisers, as it were.

Clarice played the opening bars, the only ones which were given.

"Please continue," I said; I'm beginning to like it already."

"How can I?" said Clarice. "How do I know how it goes on? It's simply maddening."

"Aren't there any rules?" I said. "What I mean is, don't certain notes follow certain other notes?"

"Not necessarily," said Clarice. "Why should they?"

"Why shouldn't they?" I persisted. "In hockey, footer, billiards and the other arts certain movements are inevitably followed by certain consequences. It ought to be the same in music. However, as a poet it is the words which really interest me. Listen to this: 'Somebody whispered to me yestre'en, Somebody whispered to me, And my heart gave a flutter and―' Ah, of course I know―and I trod on the butter."

"Which soon wasn't fit to be seen," said Clarice.

"Bravo," I said, "very soulful. Now look at the one above it: '"The rosy glow of summer is on thy dimpled cheek, While———' There's a poser for you."

"Oh, how pretty!" said Clarice. "And listen to the tune." She played what notes there were two or three times over. "I really must get that one," she added.

"Do," I said. "I should like to hear more about that girl. These publishers know how to whet one's appetite, don't they? By Jove, here's a gem―'"I sat by the window dreaming, In the hush of eventide, Of the———' Now what does one dream about at that time?"

"You dream of dinner chiefly, I've noticed," said Clarice.

"That's the idea," I said. "Of the soup (tomato) steaming, The steak and mushrooms fried. Who's the publisher?"

"Crammer," said Clarice.

I took up another sheet of music and hunted for more treasure. "Here's something fruity," I said, "published by Scarey and Co.: 'Oh, the lover hills are happy at the dawning of the day; There are winds to kiss and bless us, there is———'"

"What?" said Clarice.

"How should I know?" I said. Let's get the song and find out. Get them all, in fact."

"Do you think we ought to?" said Clarice.

"Yes, certainly," I said. It's good for trade. My motto is 'Music as Usual during the War.'"

From a label on a tin of Army jam:―

"DAMSON AND APPLE,

From Seville Oranges and Refined Sugar only."

Thus monotony is avoided.

"In standing at ease recruits will not carry the left leg twelve paces to the left, and balance the body on both legs equally."―Royal Magazine.

Probably they think that they would not feel really at ease if they did. Personally we find that two paces and a half is our limit.