Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/139
Recruit (speaking of his late employer). "An' 'e says to me, 'It wants a coal-hammer to knock it into your 'head.'"
Friend. "Did 'e say that?"
Recruit. "Yes, 'e did. But I let 'im 'ave it back. I says, 'It 'ud blooming well take more than you to do it!'"
THE AMATEUR POLICEMAN.
Expresses one's deepest regard,
How oft has such dumb adoration
Been shown on his beat by your hard;
In dress, though the semblance seems hollow,
How oft since my duties began
Have I striven, poor "special," to follow
The modes of the Man.
Your air of Olyinpian calm;
Have sought, when my framework was frigid,
To "stand" it sans quiver or qualm;
I have also endeavoured to copy
The stealthiest thud of your boot;
And, with features as pink as a poppy,
Your solemn salute.
And, while I am "doing my share ""
To guard (after midnight) a mute isle,
Or the bit of it close by my lair,
'Tis perfectly plain that, although it
Is easy to offer one's aid,
The P.C., alas! like the poet,
Is born and not made.
THE UNLIKELY DUKE.
The proposal, made the other day at the annual meeting of Lloyds Bank at Birmingham, that a dukedom should be conferred upon Mr. Lloyd George, in recognition of his skilful handling of the financial crisis, has aroused intense interest both in Park Lane and in the Welsh valleys.
Even among certain of the right honourable gentleman's colleagues in the Cabinet the idea meets with warm approval.
There has not yet been a meeting of Dukes to consider how to deal with any situation that may arise; but there is little doubt that their Graces are keeping a keen look-out, and it may be expected that when the time comes their plans will be found to be more or less complete.
Down in Wales there is considerable rivalry already concerning the title the Chancellor should take. A strong local committee is being formed at Criccieth to urge the claims of that delightful resort; but it may expect to receive strenuous opposition from the people of Llanpwllwynbrynogrhos, who argue that, while Mr. Lloyd George's connection with their village may be slight, it would be highly desirable that there should exist the obstacle of such a name whenever the new Duke's fellow Dukes wished to refer to him.
Since it was at the annual meeting of Lloyds Bank that the idea was put forward, we are inclined to think that whenever a title is required the Chancellor might select the "Duke of Lloyds;" and on the other hand, of course, a bank professing such admiration for Mr. Lloyd George could not pay a prettier compliment than by styling itself "Lloyd George's Bank."
We profoundly hope that there may be no truth in the ugly rumour that one of the Chancellor's servants, who has been in the family for many years and imbibed its principles, has declared emphatically that it would be against her principles to serve in a ducal household.
Needless to say there has been a flutter among estate agents. Already vast tracts of deer-forest in Scotland have been offered at astonishing terms to the proposed Duke, and these not only comprise some of the finest scenery in the British Isles, but afford opportunity for thoroughly interesting agricultural development.
Mr. Lloyd George's own views on the whole subject were uttered in Welsh, and we have no doubt our readers will quite understand that they cannot be printed here.
Our Dumb Friends.
The tradition of strong language established by our armies in Flanders seems to be well kept up to-day, if we may judge by the following Army Order issued at the Front:—
"Though on occasion it is necessary to tie horses to trees, this should be avoided whenever possible, as they are sure to bark and thus destroy the trees."