Fugitive Poetry. 1600–1878/The Turbot
The Turbot.
A Tale.
Lord Endless walking to the hall,
Saw a fine turbot on a stall.
"How much d'ye ask, my friend, for this fish?"
"Two guineas, sir."—"Two guineas! tush!"
He paused, he thought, "Two guineas! zounds!"
"Few fish to-day, sir."—"Come, take pounds.
Send it up quick to Bedford Square,
Here's a pound note;—now mind, when there,
Ask for one pound, and say that's all—
My Lady's economical."
The fish was sent, my Lady thought it
Superfluous, but—my Lord had bought it.
She paid one pound and cried "O drat it!"
Yet could not think the fish dear at it.
A knock announcing Lady Tatter,
Come for an hour to sit and chatter;
At length,—"My darling Lady E.
I'm so distressed—you know Lord T.
Can't dine without fish, and 'tis funny
There's none to-day for love or money."
"Bless us!" cried Lady E., "two hours
Ago, a turbot came, 'tis yours,
I paid but thirty shillings for it.
You'd say it was cheap, if you saw it."'
The bargain struck—cash paid—fish gone—
My Lord and dinner came anon;
He stared to see my Lady smile,
'Twas what he had not seen some while;
There was hashed beef, and leeks a boat full,
But turbot none—my Lord looked doubtful—
"My dear!—I think—Is no fish come?"
"There is, love—leave the room, John—mum!—
I sold the fish, you silly man,
I make a bargain when I can;
The fish which cost us shillings twenty,
I sold for thirty, to content ye—
For one pound ten to Lady Tatter—
My Lord, you stare! why, what's the matter?"
My Lord stared wide with both his eyes,
Down knife and fork dropt with surprise:
"For one pound ten to Lady Tatter!
If she was flat, ma'am, you were flatter,
Two pounds the turbot cost—'tis true—
One pound I paid, and one pound you."
"Two pounds! Preserve us! Why then say
It cost but one pound?"—"Nay, ma'am, nay,
I said not so—said nought about it;
So, madam, you were free to doubt it."
"Two pounds! Two pounds! Why who could doubt
That the fish cost what I laid out?
'Twould have been madness (you may rate)
In such a case to hesitate."
"'Tis never madness," he replies,
"To doubt. I doubt my very eyes.
Had you but doubted the prime cost,
Ten shillings would not have been lost.
Tho' you and all the world may rate,
You see 'tis best to hesitate."
Saw a fine turbot on a stall.
"How much d'ye ask, my friend, for this fish?"
"Two guineas, sir."—"Two guineas! tush!"
He paused, he thought, "Two guineas! zounds!"
"Few fish to-day, sir."—"Come, take pounds.
Send it up quick to Bedford Square,
Here's a pound note;—now mind, when there,
Ask for one pound, and say that's all—
My Lady's economical."
The fish was sent, my Lady thought it
Superfluous, but—my Lord had bought it.
She paid one pound and cried "O drat it!"
Yet could not think the fish dear at it.
A knock announcing Lady Tatter,
Come for an hour to sit and chatter;
At length,—"My darling Lady E.
I'm so distressed—you know Lord T.
Can't dine without fish, and 'tis funny
There's none to-day for love or money."
"Bless us!" cried Lady E., "two hours
Ago, a turbot came, 'tis yours,
I paid but thirty shillings for it.
You'd say it was cheap, if you saw it."'
The bargain struck—cash paid—fish gone—
My Lord and dinner came anon;
He stared to see my Lady smile,
'Twas what he had not seen some while;
There was hashed beef, and leeks a boat full,
But turbot none—my Lord looked doubtful—
"My dear!—I think—Is no fish come?"
"There is, love—leave the room, John—mum!—
I sold the fish, you silly man,
I make a bargain when I can;
The fish which cost us shillings twenty,
I sold for thirty, to content ye—
For one pound ten to Lady Tatter—
My Lord, you stare! why, what's the matter?"
My Lord stared wide with both his eyes,
Down knife and fork dropt with surprise:
"For one pound ten to Lady Tatter!
If she was flat, ma'am, you were flatter,
Two pounds the turbot cost—'tis true—
One pound I paid, and one pound you."
"Two pounds! Preserve us! Why then say
It cost but one pound?"—"Nay, ma'am, nay,
I said not so—said nought about it;
So, madam, you were free to doubt it."
"Two pounds! Two pounds! Why who could doubt
That the fish cost what I laid out?
'Twould have been madness (you may rate)
In such a case to hesitate."
"'Tis never madness," he replies,
"To doubt. I doubt my very eyes.
Had you but doubted the prime cost,
Ten shillings would not have been lost.
Tho' you and all the world may rate,
You see 'tis best to hesitate."