Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 24

OSTAP BENDER'S appearance in the newspaper office had been preceded by several important events. He had been to see the engineer, Ernest Pavlovich Shchukin, but had not found him at home. The flat was locked up and the owner was probably at work, so Bender decided to go and see him later on in the day and meantime went for a walk in the town. He was aching for activity; he therefore crossed streets rapidly, stopped in some of the squares, winked at militiamen, and helped ladies into omni­buses, altogether it looked as though he were enter­taining the whole of Moscow, its statues, trams, railway stations, and advertisements. He walked among his guests chatting pleasantly and finding a kind word for any one he came across. But it tired him, and when it was almost six o clock it was time for him to go to see the engineer Shchukin. But fate arranged that instead of going to find Shchukin he was delayed for about two hours by having to give evidence before the militia. Quite unexpectedly a white horse, a timid animal, had rushed at him in Theatre Square and had knocked him down. Bender picked himself up rapidly. He was not even scratched, but It gave him an opportunity to create a disturbance, cabman and thumped him on the back. The old man took his punishment without saying a word. I insist on redress! 'shouted Bender.' I insist on evidence being taken.' His voice was shrill, as if he had been deeply injured. Then, as he stood by the Little Theatre, he gave a short account of e affair to Persitsky, the reporter, who had hurried ​CONVERSATION WITH NAKED ENGINEER 165

up to see what it was all about. The reporter took a few notes, wrote down the name of the injured party, and then ran on to the next excitement. Bender, feehng very proud of himself, went on his way, re­ gretting that he had not given the cabman a good thrashing. Presently he found he was near to the block of flats where Shchukin lived. He ran up the stairs two at a time and when he was near the top a splash of water fell on to his head. He looked up and a rush of dirty water poured on to his face. ‘ People should be had up for allowing such things,’ thought Bender as he climbed up to the top landing. A naked man covered with soap-suds was sitting on the floor with his back to Shchukin’s flat. His head was bent and he was swaying from side to side. Water was coming in a stream from under the door, and the man was sitting in a pool of water. He was groaning to himself. ‘ Look here,’ said Bender in an irritated voice, ‘ are you the idiot who is pouring all this water over the place ? What d’you want to take a bath here for ? ’ The man looked stupidly at Bender and began to sob. ‘ Listen, my friend,’ said Bender ; ‘ instead of sitting there crying, wouldn’t it be better if you got into a bath ? Look at yourself ! ’ ‘ The key,’ moaned the engineer. ‘ The key.’ ‘ What key ? ’ asked Bender. ' ‘ The key of the flat.’ Bender began to understand and almost fell down­ stairs with laughter which he could not suppress. ‘ You can’t get into your flat ? That’s easy enough.’ And carefully avoiding the wet man. Bender leant forward, poked at the lock with his thumb-nail, and the door of the flat immediately opened. The naked man got up, shouted with delight, and ran into the flat. The taps were gurgling, the dining-room was flooded and his slippers were floating ​166

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like two dignified swans on a pond in the middle of the bedroom. A number of cigarette ends had been washed into one of the corners and Hippolyte’s chair was in the deepest part of the water in the dining-room. It was swaying slightly and looked as though it were getting ready to float away at any minute from its pursuer. Bender sat down on it and tucked his legs up under him. The engineer soon recovered himself, and with shouts of, ‘ Excuse me a minute ran to turn off the taps, washed himself, and then came out again stripped to the waist and in a pair of trousers rolled up to the knees. ‘ You’ve saved my life ! ’ he shouted excitedly. ‘ You must excuse me, but my hands are wet. You know, I almost went mad.’ ‘ Yes, I saw that. Pretty obvious.’ And the engineer told Bender all that had happened to him. ' I don’t know what would have happened if it hadn’t been for you,’ he added gratefully. Yes, said Bender, ‘ the same thing once happened to me, only it was much worse. I was once locked out hke that in the street when there were twenty degrees Reaumur of frost. And I went on knocking for hours. Do you think they would open the door ? No ! They were certain it was some one who had come to search their rotten place and they were far too busy sewing up their money in their pillows. When they did open the door I almost killed them.’ ' How awful! ’ said the engineer as he stopped baling the water out of the dining-room. , So you are the engineer Shchukin ? ’ said Bender. I am, said Shchukin ; ‘ but please don’t tell any would be very awkward for me.’ Oh ! of course not,’ said Bender. ' It will be absolutely between ourselves. • I’ve come to see you on a matter of business.’ ​CONVERSATION WITH NAKED ENGINEER 167 ‘ I shall be delighted.’ ‘ Thanks. It’s only a small matter. Your wife asked me to come round and get this chair for her. She wants it to make up the pair, and in return she’ll send you an arm-chair.’ ‘ Oh ! certainly,’ said Shchukin. ‘ I’m delighted. But why should you trouble ? I can take it round myself to-day.’ ‘ Not at all,’ said Bender. ‘ I wouldn’t dream of troubling you. After all, why should you ? I don’t mind carrying it in the least. I live quite near to your wife, and it’s really no trouble—^no trouble at all! ’ The engineer bustled about and saw Bender to the door, but he was afraid to cross the threshold, although this time the key was safely in his pocket.

The student Ivanopulo was presented with another Gambs chair. It is true that its upholstery was slightly damaged, but it was exactly the same in design and pattern as the first chair. Bender was not at all disturbed by the fact that this new chair did not bring them any luck, for he knew the tricks of fate. The only thing he worried about was the chair that had found its way into the goods yard of the October railway station. His thoughts about that chair were unpleasant and greatly depressed him. He was in the position of a roulette player, who stakes everything on one number ; only his position was worse, for, although the twelfth chair might contain the diamonds, it was probably in some outlandish part of Russia. The sequence of his melancholy thoughts was broken by the arrival of Hippolyte, but he saw from the expression on Hippolyte’s face that he had nothing successful to report. ‘ Hello ! ’ said Bender, ‘ you’re improving. But why play tricks on me ? Why have you left the chair behind the door ? ’ ​i68

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' Comrade Bender,’ mumbled Hippolyte. ‘ Come along now,’ said Bender. ‘ What d’you want to irritate me for ? Bring it in. You can see that the one I’m sitting on isn’t worth much.’ He bent his head to one side and scrutinized Hippolyte. ‘ Come on, come on ! Where’s the chair ? Why haven’t you brought it ? ’ Hippolyte’s lame account was interrupted by Bender’s questions and ironical applause. ‘ What about my instructions ? ’ said Bender severely. ‘ How many times am I to tell you that it is a sin to steal anything ? Why, you even wanted to rob Madam Gritsatsuev, my wife, that time when we were in Stargorod. I saw then that you were no better than a petty thief. The most you would ever get would be six months without solitary confinement. That’s not much for a giant of thought or a father of Russian democracy. Now what’s happened ? You’ve simply let the chair slip out of your hands. And besides, you’ve spoilt an easy prey. You try and go there again ! Why, he’d simply tear you limb from limb. You’re jolly lucky to be here and not sitting behind a grid waiting for me to come and pull you out. But why should I ? After all, you’re nothing to me.’ Hippolyte, who had long since realized how insig­ nificant he was, stood in silence with head bowed in front of Bender. ‘ Well, all I’ve got to teU you is this—I see abso­ lutely no point in you and I going on working together. It’s absolutely absurd for me to go on working with such an unintelhgent person, simply for the sake of a paltry forty per cent. Whatever happens, I must propose fresh conditions.’ Hippolyte took a deep breath. ‘ Yes, my old friend, you are suffering from organic impotence and complete incapacity, and on account of this you should receive less. Are you agreeable to twenty per cent ? ’ ​CONVERSATION WITH NAKED ENGINEER 169 Hippolyte shook his head vigorously. ‘ What’s the matter with that ? What have you got against it ? ’ ‘ It’s too little. Yes, it’s too little.’ ‘ Too httle, eh ? Well, I’m bothered ! It’s thirty thousand roubles. How much more do you want ? ” ‘ I agree to forty per cent.’ ‘ Why, that’s dayhght robbery ! ’ mocked Bender as he imitated Hippolyte’s voice during the famous scene in the porter’s room. ‘ Thirty thousand roubles too little for you ? ’ Bender continued. ‘ What more do you want ? Perhaps you’d like the key of my room ? ’ ‘ It’s you who wants to have the key of my room,’ said Hippolyte. ' You take my advice and agree to the twenty per cent before I change my mind. I’m in a good mood now.’ Hippolyte had lost the confident air he had had when he set out on his search for the treasure. Fate was tossing him hither and thither, now taking him close to the diamonds, now pushing him away from them. He was suspicious and terrified of every one and everything. He could not see an end to his adventure. He felt he was being carried along by the stream, and he had neither the strength nor the wish to swim against the current. He felt he was being swept out to the open sea of adventure.