Blackwood's Magazine/Volume 2/Issue 12/The Dampers

MR EDITOR,

I observed, in the last Number of your Magazine, an article on the subject of Damping, signed "An Old Fellow," and being perhaps the most veteran Damper in Edinburgh, having belonged to the society upwards of sixty years, I presume, in name of all the Dampers in and about town, no despicable array, to thank your correspondent for the very handsome manner in which he has been pleased to notice a fraternity, of which your readers will probably think I have not been an unworthy member, after they shall have perused the following narrative.

The first time I had the pleasure of plying as a Damper, was soon after the appearance of the tragedy of Douglas. The nation, I mean the Scottish nation, felt proud of the success of their first, may I call it their first? legitimate drama; and Mr Home's vanity as an author was not inconsiderable. By dividing the merits, it was evident that it would be decreased in a much greater ratio than a half, so I whispered that the real author, mirabile dictu, was no less a personage than John, Earl of Bute. The inuendo was eagerly listened to; and poor Home, shorn of his tragic beams, was doomed to suffer all the rage of presbyterian persecution, while the unconscious peer was clothed in his literary splendour. Time, however, a gentleman who has always been a bitter enemy to the results of Damping, has officiously interposed, and rendered my whispers inaudible to posterity.

My next appearance was some time after the appearance of Ossian's Poems. The people were still more proud of their ancient than they had been of their modern bard; and I exerted my energies in moderating their transport, until I was actually called the modern Zoilus. Recourse was again had to my former expedient of dividing the merits, and I most boldly contended, that many of the best poems were written by the editor, though I knew that he could as well have written the Iliad. By this proceeding, I took a great deal of merit from our Gaelic Homer, and conferred very little on M'Pherson; thereby keeping the vanity of the nation rather under par, if I may use a mercantile expression in a literary concern. On a later day I furnished a brother Damper with some of his most plausible objections to the authenticity of Ossian's Poems, inspiring him with a style at ​once clear, classical, and altogether unrivalled, unless by the precious fragment of history consecrated to the posthumous fame of his great friend Mr Fox, by a most judicious kinsman.

Although the nation was plunged into the Slough of Despond in consequence of the surrender of Lord Cornwallis's army at York Town, yet many people were not a little proud of the commander, who, under a circumstance so depressing, could pen such elegant and interesting despatches. But as the misfortunes of the hero were likely to be lost in the contemplation of his other fine qualities, I contrived to insinuate that Captain Ross had written the letter so justly admired, although an officer who was aide-du-camp to the second in command (General O'Hara) informed me, that he was in Lord Cornwallis's tent, and not only saw his lordship write the letter currente calamo, but heard him read the greatest part of it in presence of the staff. "Evil may be done that good may come of it," is an established rule and doctrine of our order, and will doubtless place my conduct in this affair in its proper point of view.

When Rodney defeated De Grasse, I made it clear, that he had no merit in the business of the day, the principal share of glory being due to a worthy citizen of Edinburgh, and a small dividend to Sir Charles Douglas and Captain Young, who favoured his lordship with their advice on that memorable occasion. After the battle of Camperdown, I was equally alert in opining, that Lord Duncan knew no more of what was doing in the action, than if he had been walking in the area of George's Square, and that his merit extended no farther than fighting his own ship like the devil—a sort of infernal desert, of which I did not choose altogether to deprive him.

I shall pass over my manœuvres during the piping times of peace, and the first scenes of the war, though I cannot help claiming, by the way, some merit, as having done mon possible towards damping the ardour of our volunteers, and checking the inordinate pride of the nation, in their apparent zeal and loyalty, and shall dash at once into the Peninsular war, during which I was obliged to be a very busy man, as Wellington had got into a way of committing so many lucky blunders, that he would have absolutely required a brace of seasoned Dampers for his own particular. First and last, he has cost me inconceivable trouble; and though "I say it who should not say it," THE TALENTS are more deeply indebted to me for some of their most sapient, though not wholly verified, observations on the progress and events of the Spanish war than they are willing to allow, for alas! the greatest men have their failings. The ingenuity was all my own, with which the Patriot made it appear, that the battle of Salamanca, instead of being a victory on the side of Lord Wellington, was in fact a defeat; and I have the pleasure of meeting with several most liberal and intelligent gentlemen in this gude town, who did most valiantly maintain that position, and I have no doubt they would do so still, were it not obviously unnecessary. But I know not how it happened, whenever I threw a wet blanket on one part, the flames burst out with double fury in another, till at length the conflagration terminated on the field of Waterloo. It is undeniable, however, that Wellington, poor devil, was surprised on that occasion—and if it had not been for Blucher!!—Besides, his lordship made a very poor figure in the affair of Marshal Ney, and has lately been—cast in a civil suit at Brussels. All these things, however, won't do,—the rogue seems to set damping at defiance; and even the episode of Lady W. W. has not availed to keep him in check.

It may be readily conjectured, that I was not an idle Damper during the bullion business. To sap the credit, and pull down the pride of the Bank of England, by depreciating the value of bank-notes, when there was almost no other circulating medium, thereby presenting to the nation the full cup of calamity, was an object too important to be neglected. I begin to think, however, that our reasoning was rather too theoretical, don't read theatrical, and perhaps was not perfectly understood even by the Lords Lauderdale and King, those mirrors of political economy. It would doubtless be superfluous, to expect that Noble Lords should themselves understand all that ​they write on a subject so very dry. Indeed I consider it quite sufficient, and perhaps more than ought to be required, if they can render it intelligible to others. This way of writing is quite familiar to the Noble Earl, only his Lordship boldly goes the vole, as may be learned by reference to his "Inquiry on Public Wealth." But a vast deal of mischief has been practically done to the bullion cause by a parcel of ninnies, who persist, notwithstanding all my honest endeavours, in preferring a twenty-one-shilling-note to a golden guinea! To combat such perverse infatuation would be unavailing; and unless the novelty of the SOVEREIGNS now issuing shall create a diversion in our favour, I am fearful that even Mr Huskisson, in his new office of commissioner of woods, &c. &c., will not be able to consider, with perfect complacency, what he has formerly said and written concerning the predominant value of the precious metals over a Bank of England billet-doux.

Not considering the present moment very propitious for the exercise of public damping, notwithstanding the suspension of the habeas corpus, and the consequent enormities committed by the suspension of many innocent citizens, merely for walking about for their amusement, in London and in the country, and now and then committing murder and treason pro bono publico,—I mean to rest, as it were, on my oars. However, I have several matters in embryo, which may tell ere long—such as a much injured emperor, a banished princess, disputed succession to the crown, dragoons in Pall Mall, and grenadiers in white gaiters, &c. &c. But I must not discover all the secrets of my art, nor display the extent of my resources prematurely, thereby anticipating the speeches and motions of my patriot friends in parliament, whose stock of eloquence and argument, though great, will not, at the present eventful crisis, admit of any deduction. I shall therefore conclude this long letter, with the assurance that I am very much at your devotion, Mr Editor, on terms consistent with the purity of patriotism, whenever you shall stand in need of the sly services of one who has so long discharged, and, I may say, fulfilled, all the duties of

A Damper.